Today, I crossed the line and...picking up my things from The Man's house, found a box that wasn't mine and snooped through it.
And I found just what I deserved - a letter to his married lover, a bottle of 'Eternity' perfume. The box says 'my Angel'.
I WENT OFF MY NUT! And he called me a fat psycho and told me I was paranoid.
It's not paranoid if it's real.
I said 'tell me or I take the letters to her her husband' and he said 'you're selfish, you're willing to ruin someone else's life'.
And I breathed and thought, 'it's ok, the man I loved no longer exists, it's ok to leave now and forget about him'.
I can mourn him because he is dead. The man I loved is gone.
The man I loved would never destroy someone else's family, over and over again, different families.
He no longer exists.
He told me 'we're strangers, you don't know me anymore' and that's true.
Because I thought it would get better, I thought he would choose good things for his future and mine and that of our children.
I was told today that 'idiocy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result'.
I'm not going to be an idiot anymore.
I am going to cry for this broken love that never quite grew up into something real and go and be happy somewhere else, someway else.
And hope my kids don't inherit the 'fuck the world' gene that their Dad runs on...or the 'love is blind' streak that kept me stuck in crazyland for so long.
1 comment:
"Crossing the Border of Craziness" huh? It's a catchy title for a blog but it's not appropriate. Curiosity is a natural part of everyone's makeup and this time unfortunately you found something you probably wish you hadn't. At least you got some lovely perfume out of it (or maybe a pressie for someone).
Dishonesty and infidelity are really negative traits to have or experience regardless of gender.
Have you thought of telling him to "come clean" with everyone concerned? He could also end it with the married woman.
I know I'm on the outside looking in but your philosophy in the last few paragraphs is spot on. All you have to do now is embrace it and practice that philosophy.
Your kids won't inherit his "fuck the world" gene or your "love is blind" streak although both are a good turns of phrase.
You're dealing with it bit by bit and until science comes up with a magic "I'm over it" pill, that's the only way to do it.
Love your blog.
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