I have amazing friends.
I am always amazed at people who go through their adult lives without making new and wonderful friends - it seems to me that, as adults, this is when we best recognise truly amazing individuals who are good and healthy and worth being around.
This week, those people all stood up in my life and said "where have you been? we've been waiting for you to talk to us". And then, they just let me fall apart - which was a relief after trying to hold it together for so long.
I wish I had known that. I wish I had known when to let go my stranglehold on the very special but, let's face it, very intense and out-of-control relationship I have with The Man, and turn to someone else safe, and caring, for some of the support I needed.
I'm not renowned for letting things go when they get hard though.
I guess it's a new skill I'm going to have to learn - that prioritising is not giving up. That letting go is not always a bad thing.
Some of my friends weren't the greatest choices, it's a mistake to think that just because someone's got something wonderful in them that you love, that they couldn't hurt you anyway.
That's a big part of why I didn't want to lean on anyone else.
The Man and I both had a, possibly naive, opinion that everyone has something good in them and you should just love them for who they are. To the point that neither of us liked to admit that the people we loved had any black points. If they weren't all white in our views then it was some kind of betrayal...and let's face it, life's a lot greyer than that and it's a horrible feeling to feel hateful about the person you love most in the world - it's pretty confusing.
But not all my choices have been bad, and it's not just my oldest most precious friends who have stepped up for me, and I thank them all for being here, right now, when I really needed it.
...but that doesn't mean I want any more of those fucking angels, puppies or so-called inspirational messages on my emails.
The quiches were great though - thanks!
Love you all lots. XXX
Monday, October 31, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Just Breathe
I breathed for the first time in maybe four years today.
I just stopped...and everything was finally ok.
The worst had happened, I had no more control over anything except myself - and I took back the reins on the horses of panic that have been driving me since I lost my ability to talk to The Man - my best friend.
Now I'm even a little bit excited.
No more working through the night to get the paper out, no more running to pick up the kids and feeling guilty because I'm so exhausted I can't focus. Time for dishes and gardens and walking quietly through shops for no reason except looking.
Time for books and friends and movies without actually taking time away from other, important things.
Maybe The Man and I can really be friends again if there's some distance between us again instead of this suffocating stranglehold I had on the past.
I don't care right now...I'm just happy to be breathing again.
I just stopped...and everything was finally ok.
The worst had happened, I had no more control over anything except myself - and I took back the reins on the horses of panic that have been driving me since I lost my ability to talk to The Man - my best friend.
Now I'm even a little bit excited.
No more working through the night to get the paper out, no more running to pick up the kids and feeling guilty because I'm so exhausted I can't focus. Time for dishes and gardens and walking quietly through shops for no reason except looking.
Time for books and friends and movies without actually taking time away from other, important things.
Maybe The Man and I can really be friends again if there's some distance between us again instead of this suffocating stranglehold I had on the past.
I don't care right now...I'm just happy to be breathing again.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Up, down, up, down...splat!
Roll up! Roll up! Ride the emotional roller coaster.
Up, down, up, down...splat!
I read my Tarot today and...let's face it, that Romany heritage still holds true. If only I believed it myself - or maybe didn't believe it - I'd make a fortune.
A shame, because I've been reading the Death card for my marriage for years. It's supposed to mean drastic change - I guess we just held on for so long the actual change didn't come till now, just the strife.
According to the Tarot...
The Boy has a capacity for insight and empathy that will smooth a difficult journey.
The Girl is caught between the tension of two conflicting parents and refuses to face the furore in front of her and its consequences.
The Man has made peace with a difficult decision and, while he may be pained by the decision, he is comfortable that it is the right one.
And me? Thankfully, no collapse cards - no Towers, no Death, lots of Major Arcanas and Swords though. I could have done with a few Cups...you know, just to boost my confidence.
For your information, for those who are interested...Cups are of a romantic nature, Swords are usually a battle or quest for personal strength, Major Arcana are momentous, single symbols. Then there's Pentacles - normally domestic and financial security, it echoes an apprenticeship from beginnings to mastery and security. While Wands are glory and acclaim and success.
So, instead of picking out single cards whose fragmented meanings I felt myself hedging - I laid out the cards.
Oh...and for the sceptics. I am actually of Romany descent, although Dad said they always considered themselves 'Spanish Germans'. My grandfather, as well as being a merchant seaman and an accomplished root rat with two families running in two separate countries at one time, was also the catcher in the family circus. They left Germany before the Holocaust (something to do with a brother who beat up a brownshirt over a Jewish girl) and settled in the UK.
Trust me, I made a lot of money at boarding school scaring pre-teens with my eerily accurate predictions...woo-hoo-hoo! (insert scary sound effects here)
Where I stand right now...the significator (crappy, pretentious explanatory word I know, but this is a written record so I'll get it down there). The Devil. To quote...an image of bondage to the crudest, most instinctual aspects of human nature. It's when you're trapped by your own saddest, most selfish and panicked facets - "held in chains by his own panic and self-disgust". Pretty nasty right?
The crossing card...the situation I face today. The Hanged Man. Voluntary sacrifice in the meantime for a greater good, and putting yourself in Fate's hands in the hopes of a better future. Of course, there's a lot of hurt in this card as well, if you look at the image of Prometheus or Christ - both of which images have been used to signify the card in recent times. There might be a new tomorrow in the future, but it's still gonna bloody hurt now!
Forthcoming influences. Two of Pentacles. A time when there are financial and domestic rewards for those willing to take a risk with the money and energy now on offer. (Renovations, here I come!)
Influences of the past. Page of Swords. Spiteful gossip - about me, and by me. A tendency to start petty quarrels and be irritable and difficult. (Who would have guessed eh?)
Base of the matter. What lies beneath. Six of Swords. A time when understanding, my own ability to understand, might ease a difficult and anxious time into a more peaceful passage. A chance to become the architect of my own fate, ease the storms around me and accept change calmly. (But not just yet eh?)
The Crowning Card. The issue hanging over my head. Four of Wands. This is what is apparent to the outside world - a time of reward for the efforts made. A creative idea that has come to fruit. It's a concrete reward and recognition but it's only a short step before the harder challenge ahead. (Only time will prove me wrong, but I take this as my finally quitting the paper and it's ability to continue after me, successfully - so that I can leave.)
Where one finds oneself? Judgement. Do you know, it's significant to me that I only read my own Tarot when I am truly at a crossroad and it's at those times in your life that the damn fucking Major Acarna keep popping up their heads. Do you know, I've never got the Sun card, I've never got the ' everything's going to be peaceful and alright' card. Fucking things! Judgement warns me to sum things up. A time for assessing both faults and achievements. The ending of a chapter in our life - but not a card of mourning, but definitely a time to reap what you've sown.
View of others. Ten of Swords. Do I give a fuck at this point? Do I want to know the views of others? Maybe it matters what others...but mostly I want the voices to stop behind me when I leave a room. The ending of a difficult and long-running situation. A canker that must be exorcised before a new future, with less conflict, can begin. Correct, so correct, but no bloody help to me at all eh? Well, serves me right for chatting to little pieces of painted cardboard.
I've got my own Tarot designed you know. I'm going to 'fix a future' for my kids on their 16th birthdays. That gives me about five years for the Big Girl, so I better get drawing eh?
Hopes and fears. King of Swords. A man of great intellect, and great guile, who tends to disassociate himself from feelings and can appear untrustworthy. A man of unquestioningly high principals who can still switch sides, a great wanderer who sometimes, despite being brilliant and adventurous, can't always tap into his own feelings and can't always apply his principals to the real life he faces. A chilly figure with a lack of empathy for other people. This card can be a person, and an aspect of myself that I must face.
(Told you I'm scary.)
The long-term future. The outcome of the situation I now face. The six of pentacles. Faith in life and in one's capacities is regained. This is a security card, a renewal of faith, and a chance to share good fortune with others, or benefit from good fortune bestowed on oneself. It's a harmonious, secure card, if not a passionate or happy card. But it's about real people making mistakes and finding a tangible reward, even if they don't quite deserve it.
I can live with that, especially at a time as full of upheaval as right now.
Roller coaster now coming in for a landing. Time for dishes and drying and packing lunchboxes. Babies are kissed goodnight and snuggled up tight. I've stopped crying or crashing around for a while and Spiderman 2 is due on TV.
A world of heroes and vanquished villains - not to mention a healthy dose of muscley men in lycra. I can live in that world for 180 minutes tonight I think.
And now, you've made it to the very end of my post. How very brave of you.
But for those people out there reading this (and I just received word there is one or two of you) please drop me a quick reply.
I'm starting to feel like one of those moonwalkers on an airhose, seen through glass against the depths of space - putting yourself out there but hearing nothing from the watchers.
It's a bit creepy actually, so sign up and send me a sign.
Up, down, up, down...splat!
I read my Tarot today and...let's face it, that Romany heritage still holds true. If only I believed it myself - or maybe didn't believe it - I'd make a fortune.
A shame, because I've been reading the Death card for my marriage for years. It's supposed to mean drastic change - I guess we just held on for so long the actual change didn't come till now, just the strife.
According to the Tarot...
The Boy has a capacity for insight and empathy that will smooth a difficult journey.
The Girl is caught between the tension of two conflicting parents and refuses to face the furore in front of her and its consequences.
The Man has made peace with a difficult decision and, while he may be pained by the decision, he is comfortable that it is the right one.
And me? Thankfully, no collapse cards - no Towers, no Death, lots of Major Arcanas and Swords though. I could have done with a few Cups...you know, just to boost my confidence.
For your information, for those who are interested...Cups are of a romantic nature, Swords are usually a battle or quest for personal strength, Major Arcana are momentous, single symbols. Then there's Pentacles - normally domestic and financial security, it echoes an apprenticeship from beginnings to mastery and security. While Wands are glory and acclaim and success.
So, instead of picking out single cards whose fragmented meanings I felt myself hedging - I laid out the cards.
Oh...and for the sceptics. I am actually of Romany descent, although Dad said they always considered themselves 'Spanish Germans'. My grandfather, as well as being a merchant seaman and an accomplished root rat with two families running in two separate countries at one time, was also the catcher in the family circus. They left Germany before the Holocaust (something to do with a brother who beat up a brownshirt over a Jewish girl) and settled in the UK.
Trust me, I made a lot of money at boarding school scaring pre-teens with my eerily accurate predictions...woo-hoo-hoo! (insert scary sound effects here)
Where I stand right now...the significator (crappy, pretentious explanatory word I know, but this is a written record so I'll get it down there). The Devil. To quote...an image of bondage to the crudest, most instinctual aspects of human nature. It's when you're trapped by your own saddest, most selfish and panicked facets - "held in chains by his own panic and self-disgust". Pretty nasty right?
The crossing card...the situation I face today. The Hanged Man. Voluntary sacrifice in the meantime for a greater good, and putting yourself in Fate's hands in the hopes of a better future. Of course, there's a lot of hurt in this card as well, if you look at the image of Prometheus or Christ - both of which images have been used to signify the card in recent times. There might be a new tomorrow in the future, but it's still gonna bloody hurt now!
Forthcoming influences. Two of Pentacles. A time when there are financial and domestic rewards for those willing to take a risk with the money and energy now on offer. (Renovations, here I come!)
Influences of the past. Page of Swords. Spiteful gossip - about me, and by me. A tendency to start petty quarrels and be irritable and difficult. (Who would have guessed eh?)
Base of the matter. What lies beneath. Six of Swords. A time when understanding, my own ability to understand, might ease a difficult and anxious time into a more peaceful passage. A chance to become the architect of my own fate, ease the storms around me and accept change calmly. (But not just yet eh?)
The Crowning Card. The issue hanging over my head. Four of Wands. This is what is apparent to the outside world - a time of reward for the efforts made. A creative idea that has come to fruit. It's a concrete reward and recognition but it's only a short step before the harder challenge ahead. (Only time will prove me wrong, but I take this as my finally quitting the paper and it's ability to continue after me, successfully - so that I can leave.)
Where one finds oneself? Judgement. Do you know, it's significant to me that I only read my own Tarot when I am truly at a crossroad and it's at those times in your life that the damn fucking Major Acarna keep popping up their heads. Do you know, I've never got the Sun card, I've never got the ' everything's going to be peaceful and alright' card. Fucking things! Judgement warns me to sum things up. A time for assessing both faults and achievements. The ending of a chapter in our life - but not a card of mourning, but definitely a time to reap what you've sown.
View of others. Ten of Swords. Do I give a fuck at this point? Do I want to know the views of others? Maybe it matters what others...but mostly I want the voices to stop behind me when I leave a room. The ending of a difficult and long-running situation. A canker that must be exorcised before a new future, with less conflict, can begin. Correct, so correct, but no bloody help to me at all eh? Well, serves me right for chatting to little pieces of painted cardboard.
I've got my own Tarot designed you know. I'm going to 'fix a future' for my kids on their 16th birthdays. That gives me about five years for the Big Girl, so I better get drawing eh?
Hopes and fears. King of Swords. A man of great intellect, and great guile, who tends to disassociate himself from feelings and can appear untrustworthy. A man of unquestioningly high principals who can still switch sides, a great wanderer who sometimes, despite being brilliant and adventurous, can't always tap into his own feelings and can't always apply his principals to the real life he faces. A chilly figure with a lack of empathy for other people. This card can be a person, and an aspect of myself that I must face.
(Told you I'm scary.)
The long-term future. The outcome of the situation I now face. The six of pentacles. Faith in life and in one's capacities is regained. This is a security card, a renewal of faith, and a chance to share good fortune with others, or benefit from good fortune bestowed on oneself. It's a harmonious, secure card, if not a passionate or happy card. But it's about real people making mistakes and finding a tangible reward, even if they don't quite deserve it.
I can live with that, especially at a time as full of upheaval as right now.
Roller coaster now coming in for a landing. Time for dishes and drying and packing lunchboxes. Babies are kissed goodnight and snuggled up tight. I've stopped crying or crashing around for a while and Spiderman 2 is due on TV.
A world of heroes and vanquished villains - not to mention a healthy dose of muscley men in lycra. I can live in that world for 180 minutes tonight I think.
And now, you've made it to the very end of my post. How very brave of you.
But for those people out there reading this (and I just received word there is one or two of you) please drop me a quick reply.
I'm starting to feel like one of those moonwalkers on an airhose, seen through glass against the depths of space - putting yourself out there but hearing nothing from the watchers.
It's a bit creepy actually, so sign up and send me a sign.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
New Directions
This week, I started a new job before I quit my current one, ended my marriage and...just possibly...got my life back on track.
The Man moved out, The Kids and I cried a lot (until they discovered that Daddy was going to live in a house with a pool table and a bath), and I walked around like a ghost...which is a problem when you can get sued for what you hand out in one job and jobbed for what you serve up in the other.
I know I haven't been with it, even though it's been a long time in the coming.
It struck me just how crazy I was feeling when a man at the bar asked me to give him a Johnnie and I almost choked.
(For those of you who don't understand that reference, please ask an Aussie.)
Another man flirted with me at the bar and I snapped the neck of his Corona bottle - aversion therapy, if they show an interest...just feed them glass.
God, how do people do this? How do they get over someone? It takes me so long just to get into someone.
But while I do get over this, thankyou to the beautiful friends who have stepped up and reached out and picked up the phone even though they just know it's going to be me on the other end crying like a drag queen on a smack come-down. (Which is exactly why I don't look in the mirror at the moment.)
So my hobbyfarm hopes are going to start all over again now. I will be in my crappy little house in my overgrown little corner of nowheresville and...to top it all off...I'm going to have to leave behind another garden to start all over again.
Luckily, I've got two job possibilities - working at a school or working for the Liberal Party. It's like choosing between being frozen in carbon or just succombing to the darkside once and for all.
Until then, it's just me and R2D2 and C3PO and the promise of a little peace...or a little piece of happiness a little further down the road. Even if Han Solo is busy on his own Millenium Falcon.
And here ends the sappiness...not to mention the Star Wars references, forgive me, the TV is on in the background.
The Man moved out, The Kids and I cried a lot (until they discovered that Daddy was going to live in a house with a pool table and a bath), and I walked around like a ghost...which is a problem when you can get sued for what you hand out in one job and jobbed for what you serve up in the other.
I know I haven't been with it, even though it's been a long time in the coming.
It struck me just how crazy I was feeling when a man at the bar asked me to give him a Johnnie and I almost choked.
(For those of you who don't understand that reference, please ask an Aussie.)
Another man flirted with me at the bar and I snapped the neck of his Corona bottle - aversion therapy, if they show an interest...just feed them glass.
God, how do people do this? How do they get over someone? It takes me so long just to get into someone.
But while I do get over this, thankyou to the beautiful friends who have stepped up and reached out and picked up the phone even though they just know it's going to be me on the other end crying like a drag queen on a smack come-down. (Which is exactly why I don't look in the mirror at the moment.)
So my hobbyfarm hopes are going to start all over again now. I will be in my crappy little house in my overgrown little corner of nowheresville and...to top it all off...I'm going to have to leave behind another garden to start all over again.
Luckily, I've got two job possibilities - working at a school or working for the Liberal Party. It's like choosing between being frozen in carbon or just succombing to the darkside once and for all.
Until then, it's just me and R2D2 and C3PO and the promise of a little peace...or a little piece of happiness a little further down the road. Even if Han Solo is busy on his own Millenium Falcon.
And here ends the sappiness...not to mention the Star Wars references, forgive me, the TV is on in the background.
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