The world is conspiring to teach me patience.
Why can't I just learn it RIGHT NOW?!
It's true you know.
I need to learn more about kharma and about learning lessons in each life because I've come to realise that the things that have hurt me the most in this life are the worst parts of myself reflected.
Gossip, carelessness, lack of trust and patience, and a heavy-handed tendency to judge others.
Wow...I could get really spiritual about this if I wasn't so shallow.
But back to the issue of patience.
I can't fix my house all in one go...I'm going to have to do it myself, slowly, and live with it until then.
I can't fix my relationship or my friendship with The Man... I need to back away and let us both breathe and see how the world shakes down.
I can't run away to see my sick friend in Adelaide...because I can't leave my job just yet.
I can't leave my job just yet...I need the next few pays to clean up our shared financial commitments.
I can't get a new job until I'm actually in Gladstone.
I can't even sign up for some study because the damn courses for 2006 aren't on line until next week.
And I can't go home and pack my house yet because I have work to do today.
My feet are so itchy it's practically metaphorical tinea.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Kick Start my Heart...isn't that a song? A bad one?
It might be a bad song - real or potential - but I really do need to kick start my heart.
I've been wandering around in my dirty house and my unorganised office, eating takeaway and sitting in front of the TV, telling myself that I need this time to mourn and feel sad.
Bugger that for a game of soldiers!
I've been feeling sad for a long time (and had a dirty house and unorganised office for slightly longer, I'm sad to say).
Time to get up and find something else wonderful in my life
What advice would I give someone else?
It doesn't have to involve a man - The Man or any other FDA-approved substitute.
I know that. How many sad women have I said that to over the years - you don't need a new man, you need to find yourself!
Well, once I get her unbundled from this couch and quilt and sad wallowing - I just might find my own woman too!
I think it might be time to substitute dancing for despair.
While I'm dropping the weight, why don't I go jogging?
I quit the gym to be able to afford my separation but, I was doing great, and the depression and lack of appetite since has kept me in my new jeans at least.
The kids aren't home every night, I'm trying to give them and The Man as much time together as possible as I can while we're all still here...why am I still doing the same thing? Avoiding the dishes and feeling sad for myself?
I've tried
I start seriously packing this week - I've done a few boxes here and there, I've been paying attention to the money, keeping things on track, making plans...anything to not slip backwards.
I want to be ready to go by the weekend - the kids will be with The Man.
God I'm manic.
When I'm good I feel so good...I feel like this weight has just slid off my back.
It's the realisation that, no matter how good I feel or how good I get, there's no promise that The Man and I will be happy together again.
I guess that's a good thing, there's no unrealistic expectations, no promises to break and no chance to fall back into bad habits - it's horrible to be hanging out there in the wind though, wondering which way it'll blow me.
I need a rubber band around my wrist.
Every time I want to call him, I'm going to snap it.
I've already started trying to write stuff down rather than let it spill out of me all over him.
The problem is, there seems to be enough stuff for blogs, journals, notebooks, phone calls and late-night stalker visits all put together.
So...what plans can I make? What positive things can I choose to do over the next few weeks that aren't reliant on him and will make me feel good?
Looks like I'm singing in the Christmas pageant - here and at My Mum's homebase.
We're taking The Kids for swimming lessons in the ocean at My Mum's and I've got a week before Christmas to spend with my friend in hospital.
While I'm down there I think I'll go sit on a beach for a long time - maybe catch up with another old friend and talk silliness.
Near The Farm is a latin dance class - I might make that night a 'visit the in-laws' night and finally learn to Salsa!
I'm going to finally make time to go to the dentist and get my jaw fixed.
I've got my writing...some of it's really good and worth doing something with.
And maybe I can make myself put pen to paper again for drawings - the kids would love to do that with me.
I really do need to lighten up, so they can enjoy me too.
And next school holidays I'm going to visit my sister - no excuses, just get on a plane and be with her.
I'm going to go back to study - going to get my Dip Ed. and try and get as much SSO work near The Farm as I can...it's something I'd be good at, something I can use overseas in third world communities later with my experience of setting up The Paper, and something that won't take away from my time with the kids and at home.
I need a job that won't take over my life anymore.
I want to be the mum I need for my kids - they deserve it, they're so wonderful.
And I'm going to learn how to make My Mum's chocolate eclairs from real soux pastry!
And scones! Can't wait for The Man to make me some anymore!
It's all good stuff!
With so many opportunities in my future, how can I possibly let the sad stuff overwhelm me?
No wonder I feel better every time the mood dial swings back to 'happy'...I really am a lot closer to that place every day.
Remind me of that next time my dark side re-emerges eh?
I've been wandering around in my dirty house and my unorganised office, eating takeaway and sitting in front of the TV, telling myself that I need this time to mourn and feel sad.
Bugger that for a game of soldiers!
I've been feeling sad for a long time (and had a dirty house and unorganised office for slightly longer, I'm sad to say).
Time to get up and find something else wonderful in my life
What advice would I give someone else?
It doesn't have to involve a man - The Man or any other FDA-approved substitute.
I know that. How many sad women have I said that to over the years - you don't need a new man, you need to find yourself!
Well, once I get her unbundled from this couch and quilt and sad wallowing - I just might find my own woman too!
I think it might be time to substitute dancing for despair.
While I'm dropping the weight, why don't I go jogging?
I quit the gym to be able to afford my separation but, I was doing great, and the depression and lack of appetite since has kept me in my new jeans at least.
The kids aren't home every night, I'm trying to give them and The Man as much time together as possible as I can while we're all still here...why am I still doing the same thing? Avoiding the dishes and feeling sad for myself?
I've tried
I start seriously packing this week - I've done a few boxes here and there, I've been paying attention to the money, keeping things on track, making plans...anything to not slip backwards.
I want to be ready to go by the weekend - the kids will be with The Man.
God I'm manic.
When I'm good I feel so good...I feel like this weight has just slid off my back.
It's the realisation that, no matter how good I feel or how good I get, there's no promise that The Man and I will be happy together again.
I guess that's a good thing, there's no unrealistic expectations, no promises to break and no chance to fall back into bad habits - it's horrible to be hanging out there in the wind though, wondering which way it'll blow me.
I need a rubber band around my wrist.
Every time I want to call him, I'm going to snap it.
I've already started trying to write stuff down rather than let it spill out of me all over him.
The problem is, there seems to be enough stuff for blogs, journals, notebooks, phone calls and late-night stalker visits all put together.
So...what plans can I make? What positive things can I choose to do over the next few weeks that aren't reliant on him and will make me feel good?
Looks like I'm singing in the Christmas pageant - here and at My Mum's homebase.
We're taking The Kids for swimming lessons in the ocean at My Mum's and I've got a week before Christmas to spend with my friend in hospital.
While I'm down there I think I'll go sit on a beach for a long time - maybe catch up with another old friend and talk silliness.
Near The Farm is a latin dance class - I might make that night a 'visit the in-laws' night and finally learn to Salsa!
I'm going to finally make time to go to the dentist and get my jaw fixed.
I've got my writing...some of it's really good and worth doing something with.
And maybe I can make myself put pen to paper again for drawings - the kids would love to do that with me.
I really do need to lighten up, so they can enjoy me too.
And next school holidays I'm going to visit my sister - no excuses, just get on a plane and be with her.
I'm going to go back to study - going to get my Dip Ed. and try and get as much SSO work near The Farm as I can...it's something I'd be good at, something I can use overseas in third world communities later with my experience of setting up The Paper, and something that won't take away from my time with the kids and at home.
I need a job that won't take over my life anymore.
I want to be the mum I need for my kids - they deserve it, they're so wonderful.
And I'm going to learn how to make My Mum's chocolate eclairs from real soux pastry!
And scones! Can't wait for The Man to make me some anymore!
It's all good stuff!
With so many opportunities in my future, how can I possibly let the sad stuff overwhelm me?
No wonder I feel better every time the mood dial swings back to 'happy'...I really am a lot closer to that place every day.
Remind me of that next time my dark side re-emerges eh?
Letting Go
How do I get over this?
How do I get myself together and get well?
Especially when, not-so-secretly, a part of me is hoping when I get myself together he'll magically discover he's still in love with me, or back in love with me or whatever?
How healthy is that?
He knows it's not right! I know it's not right! Fuck it, the spiders crawling this blogsite know it's not right.
And how do I take that leap of faith anyway?
At what point do I say well, it's done, I'll start my new life with him totally off my radar? I'll be open to other people and other futures and other opportunities.
I won't plan for him or around him or in the hope of him.
What's so sad is we both know I wouldn't accept less anyway.
Not now that he's taken that final step and actually left.
Before I could be with him, I'd want him to prove I was worth waiting for, worth fighting for, worth all the crap we've already been through.
I'd want to prove it to him, and go into something new, sure in each other.
Even now, I don't want him to rush back into my arms crying "it was all a mistake" because it wasn't - we've both been dying inside watching something wonderful spiral down into misery.
What was happening between us wasn't what we wanted, what we deserved to have - we both wanted more from the other and felt betrayed that there wasn't any more on offer.
If one day, there was the chance to be together and be happy, I'd want quiet, tentative friendship to start with - I'd want to laugh and talk and write and phone each other and go to movies and on walks and take the kids to the beach.
I'd want to ease into each other and be sure again.
I'd want to be loved and liked again.
I know that those things will, one day, apply to any relationship I walk into because that's what I've learnt from this - that's what I've discovered is really important.
I think I'd be very suspicious of the drama we both mistook for passion when we were kids.
How do I go on, by myself, and still keep that hope alive that we might be ok...but ok together...without undermining my being ok by myself?
& how in hell do I find someone who can answer all these fucking questions I have?
How do I get myself together and get well?
Especially when, not-so-secretly, a part of me is hoping when I get myself together he'll magically discover he's still in love with me, or back in love with me or whatever?
How healthy is that?
He knows it's not right! I know it's not right! Fuck it, the spiders crawling this blogsite know it's not right.
And how do I take that leap of faith anyway?
At what point do I say well, it's done, I'll start my new life with him totally off my radar? I'll be open to other people and other futures and other opportunities.
I won't plan for him or around him or in the hope of him.
What's so sad is we both know I wouldn't accept less anyway.
Not now that he's taken that final step and actually left.
Before I could be with him, I'd want him to prove I was worth waiting for, worth fighting for, worth all the crap we've already been through.
I'd want to prove it to him, and go into something new, sure in each other.
Even now, I don't want him to rush back into my arms crying "it was all a mistake" because it wasn't - we've both been dying inside watching something wonderful spiral down into misery.
What was happening between us wasn't what we wanted, what we deserved to have - we both wanted more from the other and felt betrayed that there wasn't any more on offer.
If one day, there was the chance to be together and be happy, I'd want quiet, tentative friendship to start with - I'd want to laugh and talk and write and phone each other and go to movies and on walks and take the kids to the beach.
I'd want to ease into each other and be sure again.
I'd want to be loved and liked again.
I know that those things will, one day, apply to any relationship I walk into because that's what I've learnt from this - that's what I've discovered is really important.
I think I'd be very suspicious of the drama we both mistook for passion when we were kids.
How do I go on, by myself, and still keep that hope alive that we might be ok...but ok together...without undermining my being ok by myself?
& how in hell do I find someone who can answer all these fucking questions I have?
Stars
This was emailed to me this week and I felt it was particularly poignant.
As we grow up, we learn that the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Good friends are like stars.
You don't always see them but you always know they are there.
& now refer to my blog...
Sympathy Run Rampant
As we grow up, we learn that the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Good friends are like stars.
You don't always see them but you always know they are there.
& now refer to my blog...
Sympathy Run Rampant
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Chicken Little in Love
For the past few years I have been the romantic equivalent of Chicken Little - flapping around in a panic because my sky is falling.
And now, as I'm climbing out of the rubble...as my rage burns off...I'm discovering the depths of my own sadness.
I didn't know I was capable of this deep, down-in-the-bone sadness.
Before The Man I really didn't have much of a heart to break and now I wonder how these poor saps who fall in love every second day bear it.
How could you possibly want to love someone else, when someone's already ripped your heart out and left you bleeding?
Why on earth would you pick it up, dust if off, and wave it at someone else?
(And yes, I'm still talking about HEARTS, thankyou)
I was reading my favourite book of all time last week, 'Magician' by Raymond E Feist, and I'm always drawn to the dream scene of Thomas and Ashen Shuruga talking and the human boy trying to explain sadness.
It's a strangely poignant scene (I always was a sucker for literary images) and as I read it I realised it completely encapsulated how I feel these days.
A strange, calm, silent depth of sadness that creeps up on you when the rest of the world stills around you.
Something you wouldn't recognise in yourself until the panic dies down and you simply accept.
This must be what it's like when someone you love dies.
Except, of course, if they die, you don't have to ring them up and ask for The Kids' floaties and thongs back so you can take them to the pool.
You don't have to watch them selfishly being not-sad.
Well, it won't be long and I'll only be watching it occasionally from a long, long way away - easier for us, but I dread what it's going to mean for The Kids.
To head off on a tangent - The Man was working on rigs once and heard about Feist doing a book signing in Qld. So he gave one of the Rig Pigs money for when he went back to that town, to get me an autographed hardcover, and then deliver it back to the rig so The Man could bring it back to me two states over.
I start flapping again when I remember moments like that.
It wasn't a mistake - we really were in love once.
And now, as I'm climbing out of the rubble...as my rage burns off...I'm discovering the depths of my own sadness.
I didn't know I was capable of this deep, down-in-the-bone sadness.
Before The Man I really didn't have much of a heart to break and now I wonder how these poor saps who fall in love every second day bear it.
How could you possibly want to love someone else, when someone's already ripped your heart out and left you bleeding?
Why on earth would you pick it up, dust if off, and wave it at someone else?
(And yes, I'm still talking about HEARTS, thankyou)
I was reading my favourite book of all time last week, 'Magician' by Raymond E Feist, and I'm always drawn to the dream scene of Thomas and Ashen Shuruga talking and the human boy trying to explain sadness.
It's a strangely poignant scene (I always was a sucker for literary images) and as I read it I realised it completely encapsulated how I feel these days.
A strange, calm, silent depth of sadness that creeps up on you when the rest of the world stills around you.
Something you wouldn't recognise in yourself until the panic dies down and you simply accept.
This must be what it's like when someone you love dies.
Except, of course, if they die, you don't have to ring them up and ask for The Kids' floaties and thongs back so you can take them to the pool.
You don't have to watch them selfishly being not-sad.
Well, it won't be long and I'll only be watching it occasionally from a long, long way away - easier for us, but I dread what it's going to mean for The Kids.
To head off on a tangent - The Man was working on rigs once and heard about Feist doing a book signing in Qld. So he gave one of the Rig Pigs money for when he went back to that town, to get me an autographed hardcover, and then deliver it back to the rig so The Man could bring it back to me two states over.
I start flapping again when I remember moments like that.
It wasn't a mistake - we really were in love once.
Sympathy Run Rampant
It's happened, I am officially the victim of SYMPATHY - which, let's be honest, is much more deadly than a broken heart.
If another person sends me an 'uplifting' email, if another sleazy man rubs my arm and offers his shoulder (or cock) to cry on, if another friend sends me inspirational poetry or offers me a self-help book I think my head will explode!
I'm so infected with the dreaded sympathy disease I almost bought MYSELF 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' at the recent markets.
Aaargh!
It's not that I don't appreciate it. I do. My friends have been incredible and the chance to talk and write and blog honestly has lifted a weight off my heart but...well, come on now!
It's all just a bit too much.
So I've found some of my own applicable quotes - touching, sometimes humorous, and probably all I need for now, thankyou.
Here goes...
Parting is all we know of heaven
And all we need of Hell.
Emily Dickinson
Love makes the time pass.
Time makes love pass.
French Proverb
Love and war are the same thing, and strategems and policy are as allowable in the one as the other.
Cervantes
It is not love that is blind, but jealousy.
Lawrence Durrell
The heart has its reasons,
of which reason knows nothing.
Blaise Pascal
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
The way to love anything is to realise that it might be lost.
G K Chesterton
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
Joan Crawford
Love is like pi - natural, irrational and very important.
Lisa Hoffman
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.
Mae West
There is no remedy for love, but to love more.
Henry David Thoreau
So there...it's ok!
I'm reading the books, pinning up poetry on my fridge and talking to my counsellor.
I haven't drowned in misery yet but I'm definitely treading water in this flood of sympathy.
Please, everyone who's out there listening, if you see me on the street or get a strung-out phone call late at night, don't send me any more sympathy...send me a few laughs. That's what's really missing in my life right now.
...and maybe an occasional cold vodka delivered by a hot male underwear model.
If another person sends me an 'uplifting' email, if another sleazy man rubs my arm and offers his shoulder (or cock) to cry on, if another friend sends me inspirational poetry or offers me a self-help book I think my head will explode!
I'm so infected with the dreaded sympathy disease I almost bought MYSELF 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' at the recent markets.
Aaargh!
It's not that I don't appreciate it. I do. My friends have been incredible and the chance to talk and write and blog honestly has lifted a weight off my heart but...well, come on now!
It's all just a bit too much.
So I've found some of my own applicable quotes - touching, sometimes humorous, and probably all I need for now, thankyou.
Here goes...
Parting is all we know of heaven
And all we need of Hell.
Emily Dickinson
Love makes the time pass.
Time makes love pass.
French Proverb
Love and war are the same thing, and strategems and policy are as allowable in the one as the other.
Cervantes
It is not love that is blind, but jealousy.
Lawrence Durrell
The heart has its reasons,
of which reason knows nothing.
Blaise Pascal
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
The way to love anything is to realise that it might be lost.
G K Chesterton
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
Joan Crawford
Love is like pi - natural, irrational and very important.
Lisa Hoffman
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.
Mae West
There is no remedy for love, but to love more.
Henry David Thoreau
So there...it's ok!
I'm reading the books, pinning up poetry on my fridge and talking to my counsellor.
I haven't drowned in misery yet but I'm definitely treading water in this flood of sympathy.
Please, everyone who's out there listening, if you see me on the street or get a strung-out phone call late at night, don't send me any more sympathy...send me a few laughs. That's what's really missing in my life right now.
...and maybe an occasional cold vodka delivered by a hot male underwear model.
A Question Answered
Just a few days ago, I asked, "when does it get easier?"
But today, it is easier, and yesterday, and the day before that...for a little while.
I'm told that what I'm experiencing is grief, and I guess I'm wallowing a bit in the ability to finally mourn the love and friendship and dreams I have lost.
Instead of getting up each day with a broken heart and having to still plod through the day, trying hard to make joy and rarely have it offered to me without effort.
I feel like I have just been working too hard for too long.
And the truth is, everything's suffered.
When I say I've been working too hard, I don't mean the hours at The Paper, or housework or anything except fighting my own sadness.
Everything has become a job. Everything has become a duty. Every day I have had to make myself look at the good things in my life with fresh eyes so that the tiredness doesn't stretch to The Kids who are, truly, a joy.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. A time without deadlines, without someone saying "where's the paper" and someone else saying "when are you going to get over this" and all those day-to-day demands "where's dinner", "when are you going to wash the dishes" and "why aren't you ready yet?"
Eventually, the deadlines will reestablish themselves, you can't escape bills and being a Mum for too long, but I am going to disappear for a little while - let My Mum look after The Kids while I look after me.
It's almost worse to be doing OK.
It's so final to be officially "getting over" each other and "getting on" with new lives.
What it's going to do to my Babies I just don't know - how will they survive without their Dad being just a armslength away? Isn't that half of what bolloxed up The Man himself?
I'm not strong enough to look after myself right at this minute, how do I get myself together enough to enjoy my Babies again? And for them to enjoy me?
I'm so tired.
Even getting well is too much hard work.
But today, it is easier, and yesterday, and the day before that...for a little while.
I'm told that what I'm experiencing is grief, and I guess I'm wallowing a bit in the ability to finally mourn the love and friendship and dreams I have lost.
Instead of getting up each day with a broken heart and having to still plod through the day, trying hard to make joy and rarely have it offered to me without effort.
I feel like I have just been working too hard for too long.
And the truth is, everything's suffered.
When I say I've been working too hard, I don't mean the hours at The Paper, or housework or anything except fighting my own sadness.
Everything has become a job. Everything has become a duty. Every day I have had to make myself look at the good things in my life with fresh eyes so that the tiredness doesn't stretch to The Kids who are, truly, a joy.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. A time without deadlines, without someone saying "where's the paper" and someone else saying "when are you going to get over this" and all those day-to-day demands "where's dinner", "when are you going to wash the dishes" and "why aren't you ready yet?"
Eventually, the deadlines will reestablish themselves, you can't escape bills and being a Mum for too long, but I am going to disappear for a little while - let My Mum look after The Kids while I look after me.
It's almost worse to be doing OK.
It's so final to be officially "getting over" each other and "getting on" with new lives.
What it's going to do to my Babies I just don't know - how will they survive without their Dad being just a armslength away? Isn't that half of what bolloxed up The Man himself?
I'm not strong enough to look after myself right at this minute, how do I get myself together enough to enjoy my Babies again? And for them to enjoy me?
I'm so tired.
Even getting well is too much hard work.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Fuck Me Gently With a Chainsaw
Somebody fucking help me!
I am so broken up inside and I just can’t fix it. No one can fix it.
When does it get easier?
This is my family, the love of my life – who used to love me back so much, so incredibly - and a future I imagined would outlast anything…survive everything!
How do I survive this? Do I even want to?
Of course I want to.
I’ve seen happiness – and I want it again, someday.
I want to be well and happy and loved.
I want my babies to grow up and be happy too.
I miss laughing and laughing and thinking there was no one else in the whole world?
How can that kind of feeling just go away?
How can you have it one day and then, down the track, another day, it all be gone?
Even the memory of it is so amazing it blocks out the chance of me even imagining something new, someday, with someone else.
How can that be?
Why don’t I understand?
Why can't I fix this?
A Permanent State of Sixteen-ish-ness
For me, being ‘in love’ thrusts me into a permanent state of sixteen-ish-ness.
It’s humiliating, as an adult, to watch my behaviour from the outside – makes me squeamish at my own sad, cheesiness.
I can count a half a dozen man in my life whom I obsessed like this over, whom I clung to and coveted and…eventually, made a damn fool of myself over.
Ironically, if I didn’t have any feelings for a man I could be a downright maneater – it was a lovely, powerful feeling to not expect something of a bloke and get much more than you planned for.
That’s what The Man always offered – much more than I could hope for.
As soon as I wanted…no, needed more, then he had less to give.
I had a good friend, when The Man and I went rotten, who got caught up in the idea of us running away and licking each other’s wounds perhaps.
And I remember saying to him that I cared about him too much to start something with him when we were both sad and hurt – that two sad people trying to fill the gaps in each other’s lives were doomed to hurt each other all over again.
So now The Man and I are both sad and hurt and we can’t help making it worse.
Even stopping it cold…still hurts.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Sex and the City...and the Country...and Everywhere in Between
'Sex and The City' has given us all some unreasonable expectations of relationships, I believe.
Not that we didn't have them before Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte minced their way across the small screen - but, I think, perhaps, they've now been institutionalised.
See, in Mills & Boons, if a man treats you badly, dumps you terribly, and disappears with a younger, slimmer (European) version of you...you don't kiss and make up in Season 5.
And you certainly don't become 'just friends'.
(And, when it comes to both SaTC and Mills & Boons - and sad reality TV for that matter - I'm a bit of an expert because, whenever my lovelife goes bung I escape into other people's lovelives. Embarassing to admit, I know, but I'm brave enough to be honest...are you?)
Anway, I spit on the concept of 'just friends' - ptooie!
Who wants second prize - who needs the Troll when you're shooting for the Tiger on the top shelf?
Don't get me wrong...the sane, grown-up part of me knows that one day we're going to be 'just friends'...but right now I'm 'just hurt' and the two terms are indelibly entwined.
If another person tips their head at me and says "at least it's amicable between you two" then I'll leap across the desk and tear their misty-eyed head off because it's a lot harder to be 'just friends' then to 'just fuck off somewhere else and be away from that wanker' - a feeling that, to be fair, is not mine alone.
But back to SaTC's cultural endorsement of dysfunctional relationships.
We all know people cheat and stay together, break up and try again later, or just be mean to each other for 50 years of so-called-happy marriage...who wants to watch THAT on TV?
(Well me, but let's leave me out of it for once.)
By putting it on TV you're making it the norm...you're making it ALL RIGHT!
I can watch that crap through the neighbour's kitchen curtains and be a lot closer to the fridge while I'm at it.
And right now, I don't want to be bogged down with the 'maybes' of real life.
I know about fighting and cheating and lying and avoiding each other and bills and dishes and access to the kids...I want fairytale romances!
Recently, I talked to two of my friends about the key elements of Mills&Boons (and associated romance-type books) and the trend towards widowed or deserted women (never amicably divorced...keep that in mind) with children creeping in as heroines/lead romantic roles.
My friend without partner or children gets impatient with these themes, while my friend with children and a once-complicated-but-happily-married-these-days relationship applauds the kind of love that can survive nappies and looming bankruptcy.
But I'm with Friend Number One - why should literary romances have to be realistic?
I want The Princess Bride, and Cinderella, The Princess Diaries and My Fair Lady.
I want to see unreal situations and uncomplicated solutions.
I want to see insurmountable odds mounted!
(Which, let's face it, you CAN see on SaTC - in fact, there's a lot of mounting going on all over the place.)
And I want my kids to be watching it with me. (But not SaTC, obviously.)
They're going to learn soon enough that life's not that easy...come on, they learnt it this month when Daddy moved out!
The only time I want to see reality on TV is when it's showing someone else's shortcomings...I just luuuurve watching America's Top Model with a bottle of Coke and a family-size block of Cadbury's Chocolate while they tell those little bendy twigs that they're overweight and ugly.
If I'm going to wallow in the ugliness of the real world, let it be someone else's real world...I'm busy trying to escape the ugliness in mine right now.
So bring on the Coke and the Fruit & Nut - I've got my beanbag and my TV Guide and I'm ready to go!
Hey, and if there's no sex going on at my place right now...at least there'll be Sex in The City.
Not that we didn't have them before Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte minced their way across the small screen - but, I think, perhaps, they've now been institutionalised.
See, in Mills & Boons, if a man treats you badly, dumps you terribly, and disappears with a younger, slimmer (European) version of you...you don't kiss and make up in Season 5.
And you certainly don't become 'just friends'.
(And, when it comes to both SaTC and Mills & Boons - and sad reality TV for that matter - I'm a bit of an expert because, whenever my lovelife goes bung I escape into other people's lovelives. Embarassing to admit, I know, but I'm brave enough to be honest...are you?)
Anway, I spit on the concept of 'just friends' - ptooie!
Who wants second prize - who needs the Troll when you're shooting for the Tiger on the top shelf?
Don't get me wrong...the sane, grown-up part of me knows that one day we're going to be 'just friends'...but right now I'm 'just hurt' and the two terms are indelibly entwined.
If another person tips their head at me and says "at least it's amicable between you two" then I'll leap across the desk and tear their misty-eyed head off because it's a lot harder to be 'just friends' then to 'just fuck off somewhere else and be away from that wanker' - a feeling that, to be fair, is not mine alone.
But back to SaTC's cultural endorsement of dysfunctional relationships.
We all know people cheat and stay together, break up and try again later, or just be mean to each other for 50 years of so-called-happy marriage...who wants to watch THAT on TV?
(Well me, but let's leave me out of it for once.)
By putting it on TV you're making it the norm...you're making it ALL RIGHT!
I can watch that crap through the neighbour's kitchen curtains and be a lot closer to the fridge while I'm at it.
And right now, I don't want to be bogged down with the 'maybes' of real life.
I know about fighting and cheating and lying and avoiding each other and bills and dishes and access to the kids...I want fairytale romances!
Recently, I talked to two of my friends about the key elements of Mills&Boons (and associated romance-type books) and the trend towards widowed or deserted women (never amicably divorced...keep that in mind) with children creeping in as heroines/lead romantic roles.
My friend without partner or children gets impatient with these themes, while my friend with children and a once-complicated-but-happily-married-these-days relationship applauds the kind of love that can survive nappies and looming bankruptcy.
But I'm with Friend Number One - why should literary romances have to be realistic?
I want The Princess Bride, and Cinderella, The Princess Diaries and My Fair Lady.
I want to see unreal situations and uncomplicated solutions.
I want to see insurmountable odds mounted!
(Which, let's face it, you CAN see on SaTC - in fact, there's a lot of mounting going on all over the place.)
And I want my kids to be watching it with me. (But not SaTC, obviously.)
They're going to learn soon enough that life's not that easy...come on, they learnt it this month when Daddy moved out!
The only time I want to see reality on TV is when it's showing someone else's shortcomings...I just luuuurve watching America's Top Model with a bottle of Coke and a family-size block of Cadbury's Chocolate while they tell those little bendy twigs that they're overweight and ugly.
If I'm going to wallow in the ugliness of the real world, let it be someone else's real world...I'm busy trying to escape the ugliness in mine right now.
So bring on the Coke and the Fruit & Nut - I've got my beanbag and my TV Guide and I'm ready to go!
Hey, and if there's no sex going on at my place right now...at least there'll be Sex in The City.
Running Hot & Cold
I have had an epiphany!
All my life I have been asking - "how could they do that?"
And now I understand...it's anger.
I was always horrified by these people who turn every interaction into a conflict, these little men who shape up for a fight over how their hamburger is cooked or how long they have to wait in line at the bank.
But, the key is, if you can convince yourself right down to your bones that you're right and the other person has NO right to question you, that's it UNTHINKABLE they wouldn't agree with you, then you can ride into any little crusade with your sword swinging and God on your side.
It explains everything to me.
It explains why The Man honestly though that being the loudest person in a conflict made him the most righteous person in the room.
It explains why people can be malicious or cruel and 'get you back' because - if you're angry enough, it's not selfish, it's JUSTICE!
The quieter fighter is just getting their just desserts.
Take that - slash!
If you think too far ahead into the future, if you think too much about consequences and hurt feelings you can't do it, you can't just take a swing at someone.
And that's the good thing about anger - if you're just seeing red, you can't see the consequences - and if you WIN the imaginary battle, there's no consequences for you, the victor, anyway...is there?
History is always written by the winners, eh?
I have found myself, this past few weeks - maybe these past few years - bogged down in 'don't say that, you'll regret it', 'don't do that, you'll never be able to get back if you cross that line' - even when The Man was busy crossing all the lines, left, right and centre, with a 10-foot pole even.
And I was so JEALOUS of his ability to just lash out when he felt bad, and his willingness to forget about other people's feelings when he felt hurt.
And sadly, I still can't go that far...as far as I secretly, in the dead of night, would like to go sometimes.
As much as some days I'd like to just pack up the kids, dump the bills & loans in his lap, change my name and move to Fraser Island...I can't tromp all over 10 years of friendship and working together and beautiful children and slightly-tarnished dreams just because he SHITS ME TO TEARS right now.
See, even I know it's a case of 'just now' - who the hell knows what I'm going to feel tomorrow on this out-of-control roller coaster I'm on at the moment?
I can be mean, I just can't plan it.
The kind of damage I do to people is a general, self-obsessed, unthinking, neglectful kind of hurt.
I'm quite horrified at the righteous 'FUCK YOU' some people can manage...but I do, now, understand it at least.
When you've got a cause, when you've got ANGER on your side, you're never alone...because you've always got the horse you rode in on!
All my life I have been asking - "how could they do that?"
And now I understand...it's anger.
And me? Well, right now there's no blood in my veins because rage has burned it all alway and I'm running on pure fury.
I was always horrified by these people who turn every interaction into a conflict, these little men who shape up for a fight over how their hamburger is cooked or how long they have to wait in line at the bank.
But, the key is, if you can convince yourself right down to your bones that you're right and the other person has NO right to question you, that's it UNTHINKABLE they wouldn't agree with you, then you can ride into any little crusade with your sword swinging and God on your side.
It explains everything to me.
It explains why The Man honestly though that being the loudest person in a conflict made him the most righteous person in the room.
It explains why people can be malicious or cruel and 'get you back' because - if you're angry enough, it's not selfish, it's JUSTICE!
The quieter fighter is just getting their just desserts.
Take that - slash!
If you think too far ahead into the future, if you think too much about consequences and hurt feelings you can't do it, you can't just take a swing at someone.
And that's the good thing about anger - if you're just seeing red, you can't see the consequences - and if you WIN the imaginary battle, there's no consequences for you, the victor, anyway...is there?
History is always written by the winners, eh?
I have found myself, this past few weeks - maybe these past few years - bogged down in 'don't say that, you'll regret it', 'don't do that, you'll never be able to get back if you cross that line' - even when The Man was busy crossing all the lines, left, right and centre, with a 10-foot pole even.
And I was so JEALOUS of his ability to just lash out when he felt bad, and his willingness to forget about other people's feelings when he felt hurt.
And sadly, I still can't go that far...as far as I secretly, in the dead of night, would like to go sometimes.
As much as some days I'd like to just pack up the kids, dump the bills & loans in his lap, change my name and move to Fraser Island...I can't tromp all over 10 years of friendship and working together and beautiful children and slightly-tarnished dreams just because he SHITS ME TO TEARS right now.
See, even I know it's a case of 'just now' - who the hell knows what I'm going to feel tomorrow on this out-of-control roller coaster I'm on at the moment?
I can be mean, I just can't plan it.
The kind of damage I do to people is a general, self-obsessed, unthinking, neglectful kind of hurt.
I'm quite horrified at the righteous 'FUCK YOU' some people can manage...but I do, now, understand it at least.
When you've got a cause, when you've got ANGER on your side, you're never alone...because you've always got the horse you rode in on!
Monday, November 14, 2005
Tammy Wynette knew what she was talkin' about
Do you know how many "somebody done somebody wrong songs" there are out there.
Since The Man left I can't listen to Country Music - which isn't such a bad thing, I can hear somebody saying.
I know it's comforting to know you're not the only one who feels like your heart is ripped out, but how's Tammy Wynette for summing up the whole damn thing in four chords?
Tammy Wynette - D. I. V. O. R. C. E.
Our little boy is four years old and quite a little man.
So we spell out the words we don't want him to understand.
Like T-O-Y or maybe S-U-R-P-R-I-S-E.
But the words we're hiding from him now,
Tear the heart right out of me.
Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E; becomes final today.
Me and little J-O-E will be goin' away.
I love you both and it will be pure H-E-double L for me.
Oh, I wish that we could stop this D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
Watch him smile, he thinks it Christmas.
Or his 5th birthday.
And he thinks C-U-S-T-O-D-Y spells fun or play.
I spell out all the hurtin' words
And turn my head when I speak.
'Cause I can't spell away this hurt,
That's drippin' down my cheek.
My kids keep telling me things like "you're not fighting anymore Mummy, when are you and Daddy going to live in the same house again" - or "don't worry Mummy, Daddy loves you, he'll come back" - or worse, "when will we do things again as a whole family?"
And I have to be cruel - because it would be worse for them to think something was going to change - I have to say "Daddy and I won't live together, he's never coming back to live with us but he'll never give up on you, and no, Daddy doesn't love me anymore and we're going to be a different kind of family".
And all the time, I'm a hypocrite, because I'm wishing it could be that way.
Now I have to plan Christmas around three little kids, not just The Boy and The Girl, but The Big Girl as well - and I have to be calm, and kind and grown-up when really I want to be the one sitting under the blankets crying because Daddy won't be there to read stories tonight.
How do people get through this and come out OK?
How am I going to?
When is there going to be time for me to sit under the blankets and cry?
Since The Man left I can't listen to Country Music - which isn't such a bad thing, I can hear somebody saying.
I know it's comforting to know you're not the only one who feels like your heart is ripped out, but how's Tammy Wynette for summing up the whole damn thing in four chords?
Tammy Wynette - D. I. V. O. R. C. E.
Our little boy is four years old and quite a little man.
So we spell out the words we don't want him to understand.
Like T-O-Y or maybe S-U-R-P-R-I-S-E.
But the words we're hiding from him now,
Tear the heart right out of me.
Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E; becomes final today.
Me and little J-O-E will be goin' away.
I love you both and it will be pure H-E-double L for me.
Oh, I wish that we could stop this D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
Watch him smile, he thinks it Christmas.
Or his 5th birthday.
And he thinks C-U-S-T-O-D-Y spells fun or play.
I spell out all the hurtin' words
And turn my head when I speak.
'Cause I can't spell away this hurt,
That's drippin' down my cheek.
My kids keep telling me things like "you're not fighting anymore Mummy, when are you and Daddy going to live in the same house again" - or "don't worry Mummy, Daddy loves you, he'll come back" - or worse, "when will we do things again as a whole family?"
And I have to be cruel - because it would be worse for them to think something was going to change - I have to say "Daddy and I won't live together, he's never coming back to live with us but he'll never give up on you, and no, Daddy doesn't love me anymore and we're going to be a different kind of family".
And all the time, I'm a hypocrite, because I'm wishing it could be that way.
Now I have to plan Christmas around three little kids, not just The Boy and The Girl, but The Big Girl as well - and I have to be calm, and kind and grown-up when really I want to be the one sitting under the blankets crying because Daddy won't be there to read stories tonight.
How do people get through this and come out OK?
How am I going to?
When is there going to be time for me to sit under the blankets and cry?
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
To Shag or Not to Shag
My gym instructor says she loves obsessive people - because, according to her, most addictive personalities can swap bad habits for good habits if they just stick at it for 12 weeks or more.
I guess, most people with addictive tendencies don't ever give up their addictions - they just swap them for new crutchess, even if that new habit is only righteousness.
Smokers start eating, eaters start jogging and people in bad relationships find themselves new partners.
Well, in my case, The Man has gone cold turkey! Slick bastard!
Nice to know I'm an addiction he can 'get over' isn't it?
Whereas me? Well, I'm not over him at all - so should I just swap him for a new obsession?
Do I even have the energy to go find myself a new addiction, or deal with one nicely if it drops in my lap?
I think - once I can get myself 600km away from the temptation, my new obsession is going to be self-obsession (I know, I know, I can hear the smartarses typing from here).
I am going to look after MYSELF and just be FABULOUS! And not, in a Bridget Jones-esque effort to remind The Man what he's given up...well, maybe just a little bit.
But because, beneath the skin of this three-packs-of-luvvin-a-day addict lies a strong, vibrant (and slightly thinner) girl who used to be very happy to be by herself.
I wonder how deep I'm going to have to dig to drag her back up to the surface?
Well...at least I'll have you to talk to in the meantime eh?
I guess, most people with addictive tendencies don't ever give up their addictions - they just swap them for new crutchess, even if that new habit is only righteousness.
Smokers start eating, eaters start jogging and people in bad relationships find themselves new partners.
Well, in my case, The Man has gone cold turkey! Slick bastard!
Nice to know I'm an addiction he can 'get over' isn't it?
Whereas me? Well, I'm not over him at all - so should I just swap him for a new obsession?
Do I even have the energy to go find myself a new addiction, or deal with one nicely if it drops in my lap?
I think - once I can get myself 600km away from the temptation, my new obsession is going to be self-obsession (I know, I know, I can hear the smartarses typing from here).
I am going to look after MYSELF and just be FABULOUS! And not, in a Bridget Jones-esque effort to remind The Man what he's given up...well, maybe just a little bit.
But because, beneath the skin of this three-packs-of-luvvin-a-day addict lies a strong, vibrant (and slightly thinner) girl who used to be very happy to be by herself.
I wonder how deep I'm going to have to dig to drag her back up to the surface?
Well...at least I'll have you to talk to in the meantime eh?
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
And going on...
BreakUpBabe's recent blog struck a cord in me.
She asks, why do only married people have to wear rings to show their relationship status?
I say, we need a relationship mood ring!
Red for the recently-burnt.
Yellow for all those arse-puckerers who are too scared to own up to whatever bastard thing they've done to ruin their own relationship.
Purple for the closeted gays and Green for the just-plain nauseous at the idea of getting hurt again.
It's a winner - I think I'll get the idea patented.
She asks, why do only married people have to wear rings to show their relationship status?
I say, we need a relationship mood ring!
Red for the recently-burnt.
Yellow for all those arse-puckerers who are too scared to own up to whatever bastard thing they've done to ruin their own relationship.
Purple for the closeted gays and Green for the just-plain nauseous at the idea of getting hurt again.
It's a winner - I think I'll get the idea patented.
BreakUpBabe
I may have badly maligned BreakUpBabe - http://www.breakupbabe.blogspot.com/
I just read one of her latest blogs and cracked myself up laughing.
I quote:
So no doubt SOMEONE has asked this question before, but is it really fair that only married people have to wear rings that signify their status?
For those of us who have not yet bought into the whole have-sex-with-the-same-person-for-the-rest-of-your-life-bliss phenomenon, there are many fine gradations of relationship status and/or emotional availability that remain completely invisible to us until we make fools of ourselves.Here, forthwith, are a few other helpful accessories thatI suggest.
Married People - Yeah, keep your gold bands and stupid sparkly diamonds, ok? But do us a favor, WEAR your damn ring if you are married, OK? Unless, of course, you are a cute male rock star, in which case please take it off while you are on stage.
Recently Divorced People - A giant chain and padlock around your neck for which the key has been either temporarily misplaced or forever lost.
On the Rebound People - A string of Mardi Gras beads (which they can use to lasso their unsuspecting victims; however, if we are alerted to their status by the Mardi Gras beads, we won't be so unsuspecting, will we?).
Single but Emotionally Unavailable for Whatever Reason (pick one: I'm just not ready for a serious relationship; I have to get my life together before I can date anyone; I really need to focus on work right now ; I only like girls who aren't interested in me; I'm a manic-depressive, alcoholic, pot-smoking, as*hole) - A plastic tarantula ring from a bubble gum dispenser.
Completely 100% Emotionally Available, Just Like Me, No Issues, None Whatsoever: A choker with a bright red flower on it, wide open and in bloom. (In other words, the necklace I wear every day.)
So...where do I get one of those damn padlocks, and when can I swap it for the Mardi Gras beads?
I just read one of her latest blogs and cracked myself up laughing.
I quote:
So no doubt SOMEONE has asked this question before, but is it really fair that only married people have to wear rings that signify their status?
For those of us who have not yet bought into the whole have-sex-with-the-same-person-for-the-rest-of-your-life-bliss phenomenon, there are many fine gradations of relationship status and/or emotional availability that remain completely invisible to us until we make fools of ourselves.Here, forthwith, are a few other helpful accessories thatI suggest.
Married People - Yeah, keep your gold bands and stupid sparkly diamonds, ok? But do us a favor, WEAR your damn ring if you are married, OK? Unless, of course, you are a cute male rock star, in which case please take it off while you are on stage.
Recently Divorced People - A giant chain and padlock around your neck for which the key has been either temporarily misplaced or forever lost.
On the Rebound People - A string of Mardi Gras beads (which they can use to lasso their unsuspecting victims; however, if we are alerted to their status by the Mardi Gras beads, we won't be so unsuspecting, will we?).
Single but Emotionally Unavailable for Whatever Reason (pick one: I'm just not ready for a serious relationship; I have to get my life together before I can date anyone; I really need to focus on work right now ; I only like girls who aren't interested in me; I'm a manic-depressive, alcoholic, pot-smoking, as*hole) - A plastic tarantula ring from a bubble gum dispenser.
Completely 100% Emotionally Available, Just Like Me, No Issues, None Whatsoever: A choker with a bright red flower on it, wide open and in bloom. (In other words, the necklace I wear every day.)
So...where do I get one of those damn padlocks, and when can I swap it for the Mardi Gras beads?
Real life people in cyberspace
Want some good, fun, real blogs to read?
Log onto 'the Voice of Vanity' - http://vanity657.blogspot.com/
Or check out a real sea change - http://downbythesea.blogspot.com/
And recently I discovered the very well-written
http://luckycrackers.blogspot.com/
and the lovely and harmless
http://fourtwelve.blogspot.com/
I was also a fan of http://www.breakupbabe.blogspot.com/ but her life is starting to sound a little bit too much like mine now and I can just wait for the book, if it's well-edited.
Let me know if you've got any great sites I can waste time on - I'm looking for interesting ways to fill my dull existence - gratuitous voyeurism is always a great option!
Log onto 'the Voice of Vanity' - http://vanity657.blogspot.com/
Or check out a real sea change - http://downbythesea.blogspot.com/
And recently I discovered the very well-written
http://luckycrackers.blogspot.com/
and the lovely and harmless
http://fourtwelve.blogspot.com/
I was also a fan of http://www.breakupbabe.blogspot.com/ but her life is starting to sound a little bit too much like mine now and I can just wait for the book, if it's well-edited.
Let me know if you've got any great sites I can waste time on - I'm looking for interesting ways to fill my dull existence - gratuitous voyeurism is always a great option!
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