Comedian Robin Williams once said that Mai Tai is Polynesian for ‘DumbFuck’.
He also said that Cocaine was the Peruvian Indians’ “little gift to the white man for what we did to them” – “you take our land - we give you monkey for your back,” he joked.
I’m pretty sure that Feng Shui is another cultural joke on Western society.
I imagine there’s a few old Chinamen who love getting handsomely paid by gay designers for what is basically a doctrine of “clean your fucking house lazybones”.
For instance:
Clean out any debris or boxes under your bed to allow the healthy Chi to circulate around your bed – the centre of your love and love-making. What that means is…Your bedroom smells funky! You’re only making a home for mice and dust-bunnies under your love-nest so clear out last year’s tax returns, your ex-boyfriend’s size 11 sneakers and your old doona you grot! If you let a little breeze in under there maybe it won't smell like old cheese in there anymore!
Create a clear and unshadowed path to your front door to allow good news to blow into your home, and bad energies to flow out the back. Which means…Make sure you’ve got a good view of the front path so that when your hubby’s on the way through the front door, the hot young TollPriority guy is on the way out the back.
Clear clutter. Deal with and then discard paperwork and old bills piling up on your shelves, tables and in drawers. Let’s face it, that means…If they haven’t already come knocking on your door to take your TV or your kneecaps then you can dice it. Face it, you can always tell them you lost it all in a fire or a freak Feng Shui wind that swept your tax-return right out from under your bed.
Well the kids and I Feng Shuied off quite a few things when we made the next great move back to my Home Town to continue the great community newspaper saga.
We’re living in a two-bedroom unit and, while the ‘contractor-cream’* walls are slightly grubby and there’s absolutely no yard for the kids – we’re all pretty chuffed with living in an uncluttered space.
The kids don’t miss a floor strewn with toys they don’t even notice anymore.
I’m enjoying only having to wash four cups and four bowls and four spoons.
And I’ve finally got a place to put all those blue vases, tablecloths, picture-frames and throwrugs that we keep buying but don’t actually go with our ‘golds and russets’ Home & Garden (one day) décor.
It’s like having a beachhouse – except that despite the fact that there’s lots of sand, not much water, and the only fish are Pool Sharks.
People keep saying to me “isn’t that a bit small for all of you?”
But I’ve always lived in huge houses (while working huge jobs) and I’ve never had time or expertise to look after them properly. The Farm and all the jobs I could see that needed doing there were weighing me down.
I’m good at working though.
I can work hard, make lots of money, pay a renovator for The Farm and still have time to wash my four forks.
So, I’ve Feng Shuied my whole lifestyle?
Works for me – why doesn’t the Cleo Feng Shui expert give you some real advice.
Dump the overwhelming renovation workload on your already over-worked husband and run away to a different job in a different town that has reliable child-care and a reliable rent-control program.
Enjoy the benefits of only having to clean up a limited collection of matchbox cars and barbies every night before bed (because the rest of them are tangled up with the Fuzzy Felts in the playroom back home).
Allow yourself to feel all Earth Mother Goddess-ly by finding the time to read three books a night to your babies because you don’t have to feed dogs, chooks, pay bills, spend quality time with your husband/partner/lover/circle appropriate term here or stare uselessly at the looming pile of jobs you should really be doing instead of watching Sex in the City in your PJs and eating Tim Tams.
The Man missed out on the local job he’d wanted so he’s sticking with the Stage 2-local job back near The Farm.
Does that mean we Feng Shuied him off as well?
Does that count as “cleansing oneself of conflicting influences”.
I mean, we won’t be fighting over “who changed the loo roll last” for a little while, so maybe…
* contractor cream – anyone living in a mining town where most homes are rented out by corporate investors or contract companies will understand this reference. Paint it cream, keep it simply but sturdily-furnished, and buy the paint in bulk so you can repaint it when the tenants move out.
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