Up, down, up, down...splat!

Roll up! Roll up! Ride the emotional roller coaster.
Up, down, up, down...splat!

I read my Tarot today and...let's face it, that Romany heritage still holds true. If only I believed it myself - or maybe didn't believe it - I'd make a fortune.
A shame, because I've been reading the Death card for my marriage for years. It's supposed to mean drastic change - I guess we just held on for so long the actual change didn't come till now, just the strife.

According to the Tarot...

The Boy has a capacity for insight and empathy that will smooth a difficult journey.

The Girl is caught between the tension of two conflicting parents and refuses to face the furore in front of her and its consequences.

The Man has made peace with a difficult decision and, while he may be pained by the decision, he is comfortable that it is the right one.

And me? Thankfully, no collapse cards - no Towers, no Death, lots of Major Arcanas and Swords though. I could have done with a few Cups...you know, just to boost my confidence.

For your information, for those who are interested...Cups are of a romantic nature, Swords are usually a battle or quest for personal strength, Major Arcana are momentous, single symbols. Then there's Pentacles - normally domestic and financial security, it echoes an apprenticeship from beginnings to mastery and security. While Wands are glory and acclaim and success.

So, instead of picking out single cards whose fragmented meanings I felt myself hedging - I laid out the cards.

Oh...and for the sceptics. I am actually of Romany descent, although Dad said they always considered themselves 'Spanish Germans'. My grandfather, as well as being a merchant seaman and an accomplished root rat with two families running in two separate countries at one time, was also the catcher in the family circus. They left Germany before the Holocaust (something to do with a brother who beat up a brownshirt over a Jewish girl) and settled in the UK.
Trust me, I made a lot of money at boarding school scaring pre-teens with my eerily accurate predictions...woo-hoo-hoo! (insert scary sound effects here)

Where I stand right now...the significator (crappy, pretentious explanatory word I know, but this is a written record so I'll get it down there). The Devil. To quote...an image of bondage to the crudest, most instinctual aspects of human nature. It's when you're trapped by your own saddest, most selfish and panicked facets - "held in chains by his own panic and self-disgust". Pretty nasty right?

The crossing card...the situation I face today. The Hanged Man. Voluntary sacrifice in the meantime for a greater good, and putting yourself in Fate's hands in the hopes of a better future. Of course, there's a lot of hurt in this card as well, if you look at the image of Prometheus or Christ - both of which images have been used to signify the card in recent times. There might be a new tomorrow in the future, but it's still gonna bloody hurt now!

Forthcoming influences. Two of Pentacles. A time when there are financial and domestic rewards for those willing to take a risk with the money and energy now on offer. (Renovations, here I come!)

Influences of the past. Page of Swords. Spiteful gossip - about me, and by me. A tendency to start petty quarrels and be irritable and difficult. (Who would have guessed eh?)

Base of the matter. What lies beneath. Six of Swords. A time when understanding, my own ability to understand, might ease a difficult and anxious time into a more peaceful passage. A chance to become the architect of my own fate, ease the storms around me and accept change calmly. (But not just yet eh?)

The Crowning Card. The issue hanging over my head. Four of Wands. This is what is apparent to the outside world - a time of reward for the efforts made. A creative idea that has come to fruit. It's a concrete reward and recognition but it's only a short step before the harder challenge ahead. (Only time will prove me wrong, but I take this as my finally quitting the paper and it's ability to continue after me, successfully - so that I can leave.)

Where one finds oneself? Judgement. Do you know, it's significant to me that I only read my own Tarot when I am truly at a crossroad and it's at those times in your life that the damn fucking Major Acarna keep popping up their heads. Do you know, I've never got the Sun card, I've never got the ' everything's going to be peaceful and alright' card. Fucking things! Judgement warns me to sum things up. A time for assessing both faults and achievements. The ending of a chapter in our life - but not a card of mourning, but definitely a time to reap what you've sown.

View of others. Ten of Swords. Do I give a fuck at this point? Do I want to know the views of others? Maybe it matters what others...but mostly I want the voices to stop behind me when I leave a room. The ending of a difficult and long-running situation. A canker that must be exorcised before a new future, with less conflict, can begin. Correct, so correct, but no bloody help to me at all eh? Well, serves me right for chatting to little pieces of painted cardboard.

I've got my own Tarot designed you know. I'm going to 'fix a future' for my kids on their 16th birthdays. That gives me about five years for the Big Girl, so I better get drawing eh?

Hopes and fears. King of Swords. A man of great intellect, and great guile, who tends to disassociate himself from feelings and can appear untrustworthy. A man of unquestioningly high principals who can still switch sides, a great wanderer who sometimes, despite being brilliant and adventurous, can't always tap into his own feelings and can't always apply his principals to the real life he faces. A chilly figure with a lack of empathy for other people. This card can be a person, and an aspect of myself that I must face.
(Told you I'm scary.)

The long-term future. The outcome of the situation I now face. The six of pentacles. Faith in life and in one's capacities is regained. This is a security card, a renewal of faith, and a chance to share good fortune with others, or benefit from good fortune bestowed on oneself. It's a harmonious, secure card, if not a passionate or happy card. But it's about real people making mistakes and finding a tangible reward, even if they don't quite deserve it.
I can live with that, especially at a time as full of upheaval as right now.

Roller coaster now coming in for a landing. Time for dishes and drying and packing lunchboxes. Babies are kissed goodnight and snuggled up tight. I've stopped crying or crashing around for a while and Spiderman 2 is due on TV.
A world of heroes and vanquished villains - not to mention a healthy dose of muscley men in lycra. I can live in that world for 180 minutes tonight I think.

And now, you've made it to the very end of my post. How very brave of you.
But for those people out there reading this (and I just received word there is one or two of you) please drop me a quick reply.
I'm starting to feel like one of those moonwalkers on an airhose, seen through glass against the depths of space - putting yourself out there but hearing nothing from the watchers.
It's a bit creepy actually, so sign up and send me a sign.