So here we are at the hardest part.
My divorced and separated friends have warned me how difficult it would be - the division of property - and I guess we're doing ok.
I rolled on the ground laughing when one friend told me about throwing his ex-wife's CDs, Stereo & LPs out the 2nd storey window after she demanded their return, dropping them on the ground in front of her and pissing on them from a great height.
Or the electric toothbrush set he'd given her for Christmas, her meekly asking for it and him saying "no, no take it, it's yours - take everything" knowing that he'd wiped his arse with each of those tiny, sterile-white little attachments.
I don't do these things because I know my own capacity for cruelty.
My friends have spent a lot of weeks telling me "well that's just not you, you wouldn't do that, you have too big a heart...blah, blah, blah" BULLSHIT!
If they knew how hard a hold I keep on the reins of my own malice they'd jump back a step.
I remember, listening after The Man's affair, to friends saying "as long as you're happy - that's all that matters" and me snapping - "no, as long as she's unhappy for the rest of her life - THAT's what matters".
The shock on my friend's face was so sincere it made me laugh out loud. I know for a fact, that she felt the same way - she just didn't expect me to.
I don't think people realise that The Man and I had to live with each other's moods and insecurities and anger and brooding and malice - because we're both such 'on' personalities in public.
We truly let each other into our hearts and lives - but that meant we let each other into the dark, nasty parts of our souls too. And it was just a bit too intense I think.
So here we are, making lists and totalling up investments and splitting up bank accounts - all very sensible and I've realised how tough I can be without having to actually be a bitch.
I have friends warning me that property is where things get nasty - and I remember The Man, one day leaving the Big Girl's mother's house just red with fury when he realised that he'd furnished her entire house, the house she now lived in with the man she'd been sleeping with while she was pregnant with The Man's daughter.
It's memories like that which have ensured I do this cleanly.
We had weeks of 'it'll be the same, I'll look after the kids the same way, I'll still help with money" and he almost seemed offended that I said 'no, we can't rely on that'.
I couldn't imagine it being ok to ring up and say 'can you come have the kids for an hour tonight' when he's supposed to be meeting his next girlfriend. I couldn't bare watching him get on with his life without me. And it's never going to be 'the same way'. And I can't ask him for help - for fuck's sake, I can't even look him in the eye without crying.
He left me, and then got hurt that I wanted his clothes and books and personal things gone straight away. I'm always amazed that he can only imagine consequences one step ahead.
He fucked around on me - but didn't want to leave.
He left me - but didn't want me to give him back his shit.
He doesn't want to be with me - but he's not ready to get a divorce.
Surely, by now, he's sure of his feelings. Why be such a pussy about it? Why hedge his bets? It drives me NUTS!
Does he need an off-ramp - is he liked the woman he slept with, he needs something better to go to, to let go of what he's unhappy with now?
God knows, I don't, and he's sure not talking to me about it.
I've realised that loyalty is important to me.
Not that silly, undying, 12-year-old best friendsm, back of the milk shed blood brothers kind of loyalty.
The real kind - that gets you through someone else's foibles and mistakes and keeps your eyes fixed on the things you love about them.
I figure if you know someone long enough, through good and bad times, you're going to find out things about them that you don't admire. And you get over it...that's friendship.
It's been very empowering to have people who (while not inclined to bag The Man -which I couldn't deal with, ironically) have been completely loyal and supporting to me.
These are the friends I cherish right now, who know that The Man doesn't have to be a villain for me to be hurt and I don't have to be a saint to deserve support.
I spent two hours on a phone to my friend in Adelaide the other night playing 'your life is shittier than my life" and I haven't laughed so hard in so long.
He shocked me, with his own capacity to be hard. He keeps telling me 'it's over - you can't think like that, you can't plan for The Man' - and he's not the only one who says it, but, for some reason, maybe because he's The Man's friend too, or maybe it's just because he's a guy I don't expect him to be good at blunting the edges, it doesn't hurt so much coming from him.
Or maybe it's because his own wife his paralysed in hospital and he's sitting at home at night waiting to see if she'll live or die - it's hard to be impatient with someone's honesty when they're dealing with their own hard reality.
My friend gave me good advice - something I had realised, and am working on.
He said "you need to find new things to fill your life - I found gambling, I wouldn't reccommend that".
You can see why we laughed for so long now, can't you?
I've got great things in my life - and The Man and I aren't fighting, that's the big bonus.
To be trapped in a permanent battle with the person your heart is wrapped around is just poisonous...that's the true meaning of a broken heart, when you tear it apart all by yourselves.
There's been minimal conflict between The Man and Me in front of The Kids - that's a bonus.
They've escaped the whole 'your Daddy, your Mummy' emotional propaganda that used to upset me so much, watching other couples breaking up.
Although it almost hurts the way they're taking it so well - how sad that we're teaching them that this is normal and OK.
It shouldn't be.
No comments:
Post a Comment