Fuck Me Gently With a Chainsaw

Somebody fucking help me!
I am so broken up inside and I just can’t fix it. No one can fix it.
When does it get easier?
This is my family, the love of my life – who used to love me back so much, so incredibly - and a future I imagined would outlast anything…survive everything!
How do I survive this? Do I even want to?

Of course I want to.
I’ve seen happiness – and I want it again, someday.
I want to be well and happy and loved.
I want my babies to grow up and be happy too.

I miss his voice on the phone and his hand holding mine as we walked down the street.
I miss laughing and laughing and thinking there was no one else in the whole world?

How can that kind of feeling just go away?
How can you have it one day and then, down the track, another day, it all be gone?
Even the memory of it is so amazing it blocks out the chance of me even imagining something new, someday, with someone else.
How can that be?
Why don’t I understand?
Why can't I fix this?