Running Hot & Cold

I have had an epiphany!
All my life I have been asking - "how could they do that?"
And now I understand...it's anger.

And me? Well, right now there's no blood in my veins because rage has burned it all alway and I'm running on pure fury.

I was always horrified by these people who turn every interaction into a conflict, these little men who shape up for a fight over how their hamburger is cooked or how long they have to wait in line at the bank.
But, the key is, if you can convince yourself right down to your bones that you're right and the other person has NO right to question you, that's it UNTHINKABLE they wouldn't agree with you, then you can ride into any little crusade with your sword swinging and God on your side.

It explains everything to me.
It explains why The Man honestly though that being the loudest person in a conflict made him the most righteous person in the room.
It explains why people can be malicious or cruel and 'get you back' because - if you're angry enough, it's not selfish, it's JUSTICE!
The quieter fighter is just getting their just desserts.
Take that - slash!

If you think too far ahead into the future, if you think too much about consequences and hurt feelings you can't do it, you can't just take a swing at someone.
And that's the good thing about anger - if you're just seeing red, you can't see the consequences - and if you WIN the imaginary battle, there's no consequences for you, the victor, anyway...is there?
History is always written by the winners, eh?

I have found myself, this past few weeks - maybe these past few years - bogged down in 'don't say that, you'll regret it', 'don't do that, you'll never be able to get back if you cross that line' - even when The Man was busy crossing all the lines, left, right and centre, with a 10-foot pole even.
And I was so JEALOUS of his ability to just lash out when he felt bad, and his willingness to forget about other people's feelings when he felt hurt.

And sadly, I still can't go that far...as far as I secretly, in the dead of night, would like to go sometimes.
As much as some days I'd like to just pack up the kids, dump the bills & loans in his lap, change my name and move to Fraser Island...I can't tromp all over 10 years of friendship and working together and beautiful children and slightly-tarnished dreams just because he SHITS ME TO TEARS right now.

See, even I know it's a case of 'just now' - who the hell knows what I'm going to feel tomorrow on this out-of-control roller coaster I'm on at the moment?

I can be mean, I just can't plan it.
The kind of damage I do to people is a general, self-obsessed, unthinking, neglectful kind of hurt.
I'm quite horrified at the righteous 'FUCK YOU' some people can manage...but I do, now, understand it at least.

When you've got a cause, when you've got ANGER on your side, you're never alone...because you've always got the horse you rode in on!