A Question Answered

Just a few days ago, I asked, "when does it get easier?"
But today, it is easier, and yesterday, and the day before that...for a little while.

I'm told that what I'm experiencing is grief, and I guess I'm wallowing a bit in the ability to finally mourn the love and friendship and dreams I have lost.
Instead of getting up each day with a broken heart and having to still plod through the day, trying hard to make joy and rarely have it offered to me without effort.

I feel like I have just been working too hard for too long.
And the truth is, everything's suffered.
When I say I've been working too hard, I don't mean the hours at The Paper, or housework or anything except fighting my own sadness.
Everything has become a job. Everything has become a duty. Every day I have had to make myself look at the good things in my life with fresh eyes so that the tiredness doesn't stretch to The Kids who are, truly, a joy.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. A time without deadlines, without someone saying "where's the paper" and someone else saying "when are you going to get over this" and all those day-to-day demands "where's dinner", "when are you going to wash the dishes" and "why aren't you ready yet?"
Eventually, the deadlines will reestablish themselves, you can't escape bills and being a Mum for too long, but I am going to disappear for a little while - let My Mum look after The Kids while I look after me.

It's almost worse to be doing OK.
It's so final to be officially "getting over" each other and "getting on" with new lives.
What it's going to do to my Babies I just don't know - how will they survive without their Dad being just a armslength away? Isn't that half of what bolloxed up The Man himself?
I'm not strong enough to look after myself right at this minute, how do I get myself together enough to enjoy my Babies again? And for them to enjoy me?

I'm so tired.
Even getting well is too much hard work.