It might be a bad song - real or potential - but I really do need to kick start my heart.
I've been wandering around in my dirty house and my unorganised office, eating takeaway and sitting in front of the TV, telling myself that I need this time to mourn and feel sad.
Bugger that for a game of soldiers!
I've been feeling sad for a long time (and had a dirty house and unorganised office for slightly longer, I'm sad to say).
Time to get up and find something else wonderful in my life
What advice would I give someone else?
It doesn't have to involve a man - The Man or any other FDA-approved substitute.
I know that. How many sad women have I said that to over the years - you don't need a new man, you need to find yourself!
Well, once I get her unbundled from this couch and quilt and sad wallowing - I just might find my own woman too!
I think it might be time to substitute dancing for despair.
While I'm dropping the weight, why don't I go jogging?
I quit the gym to be able to afford my separation but, I was doing great, and the depression and lack of appetite since has kept me in my new jeans at least.
The kids aren't home every night, I'm trying to give them and The Man as much time together as possible as I can while we're all still here...why am I still doing the same thing? Avoiding the dishes and feeling sad for myself?
I've tried
I start seriously packing this week - I've done a few boxes here and there, I've been paying attention to the money, keeping things on track, making plans...anything to not slip backwards.
I want to be ready to go by the weekend - the kids will be with The Man.
God I'm manic.
When I'm good I feel so good...I feel like this weight has just slid off my back.
It's the realisation that, no matter how good I feel or how good I get, there's no promise that The Man and I will be happy together again.
I guess that's a good thing, there's no unrealistic expectations, no promises to break and no chance to fall back into bad habits - it's horrible to be hanging out there in the wind though, wondering which way it'll blow me.
I need a rubber band around my wrist.
Every time I want to call him, I'm going to snap it.
I've already started trying to write stuff down rather than let it spill out of me all over him.
The problem is, there seems to be enough stuff for blogs, journals, notebooks, phone calls and late-night stalker visits all put together.
So...what plans can I make? What positive things can I choose to do over the next few weeks that aren't reliant on him and will make me feel good?
Looks like I'm singing in the Christmas pageant - here and at My Mum's homebase.
We're taking The Kids for swimming lessons in the ocean at My Mum's and I've got a week before Christmas to spend with my friend in hospital.
While I'm down there I think I'll go sit on a beach for a long time - maybe catch up with another old friend and talk silliness.
Near The Farm is a latin dance class - I might make that night a 'visit the in-laws' night and finally learn to Salsa!
I'm going to finally make time to go to the dentist and get my jaw fixed.
I've got my writing...some of it's really good and worth doing something with.
And maybe I can make myself put pen to paper again for drawings - the kids would love to do that with me.
I really do need to lighten up, so they can enjoy me too.
And next school holidays I'm going to visit my sister - no excuses, just get on a plane and be with her.
I'm going to go back to study - going to get my Dip Ed. and try and get as much SSO work near The Farm as I can...it's something I'd be good at, something I can use overseas in third world communities later with my experience of setting up The Paper, and something that won't take away from my time with the kids and at home.
I need a job that won't take over my life anymore.
I want to be the mum I need for my kids - they deserve it, they're so wonderful.
And I'm going to learn how to make My Mum's chocolate eclairs from real soux pastry!
And scones! Can't wait for The Man to make me some anymore!
It's all good stuff!
With so many opportunities in my future, how can I possibly let the sad stuff overwhelm me?
No wonder I feel better every time the mood dial swings back to 'happy'...I really am a lot closer to that place every day.
Remind me of that next time my dark side re-emerges eh?
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