Letting Go

How do I get over this?
How do I get myself together and get well?
Especially when, not-so-secretly, a part of me is hoping when I get myself together he'll magically discover he's still in love with me, or back in love with me or whatever?
How healthy is that?
He knows it's not right! I know it's not right! Fuck it, the spiders crawling this blogsite know it's not right.

And how do I take that leap of faith anyway?
At what point do I say well, it's done, I'll start my new life with him totally off my radar? I'll be open to other people and other futures and other opportunities.
I won't plan for him or around him or in the hope of him.

What's so sad is we both know I wouldn't accept less anyway.
Not now that he's taken that final step and actually left.
Before I could be with him, I'd want him to prove I was worth waiting for, worth fighting for, worth all the crap we've already been through.
I'd want to prove it to him, and go into something new, sure in each other.
Even now, I don't want him to rush back into my arms crying "it was all a mistake" because it wasn't - we've both been dying inside watching something wonderful spiral down into misery.
What was happening between us wasn't what we wanted, what we deserved to have - we both wanted more from the other and felt betrayed that there wasn't any more on offer.

If one day, there was the chance to be together and be happy, I'd want quiet, tentative friendship to start with - I'd want to laugh and talk and write and phone each other and go to movies and on walks and take the kids to the beach.
I'd want to ease into each other and be sure again.
I'd want to be loved and liked again.

I know that those things will, one day, apply to any relationship I walk into because that's what I've learnt from this - that's what I've discovered is really important.
I think I'd be very suspicious of the drama we both mistook for passion when we were kids.

How do I go on, by myself, and still keep that hope alive that we might be ok...but ok together...without undermining my being ok by myself?
& how in hell do I find someone who can answer all these fucking questions I have?