New Directions...AGAIN

Well, that's it, I'm pointing myself in a new direction again...and God I'm not looking forward to moving all over again, by myself, again.
I'm moving, throwing in the hilltop home dream for a beachside business possibility.
Closer to family, a chance to make new friends, maybe even get a tan and show off this new slightly more svelte figure - but it's so hard to start over AGAIN, even if this time it will be a fresh start with fewer old ties, both financial and emotional.

I'm tired. If only I was rich (or even just not in debt) and could afford a removalist this time around.
The Real Estate agent is going to come tomorrow and tell me I'll be lucky to cover my loan, let alone the money we've put in getting this place back down to bare bones.
And that's the problem, that's all it is now, bare bones and holes - you could call it a blank canvas but they don't usually have so many rocks and old pieces of plumbing to move.

I love this place, I love the trees and the view and the fireplaces and all the dreams and the almond trees which are pink and white like all those Japanese cherry tree paintings I loved to look at, growing up.
I loved the idea of finally, having a home, where I picked paint colours and planted gardens and had daffodils and tulips under my almond trees in spring.

But I can't do it alone, and I want some help - I want to be near my family and know that when I'm feeling like an old harpy the kids have Nanna or Grumpy or their Uncle and Aunty down the road to make them smile.
I don't want them to ever be lonely, and I think if we stay here - too close to The Man's family who, for so many reasons, aren't going to spend time with The Kids, too far from The Man who has a new life to go to where he can forget about me, and too wrapped up around me and my uncertainties - then they will be.
And I won't be enough, because one person just cant' be - not all the time.

I always wanted them to grow up with boats and dolphins and fishing trips and crabbing and digging with their toes for pipis - like I did.
This will be their chance.
I'd go back to NSW or somewhere totally new but I can't afford it and as much as I'd like to ditch any memory of him right now and run I can't take The Kids away from their Dad...and I'd still not have family to support me over there.
Maybe later, when the kids are older I can go back to papers in some pretty little town on the East coast somewhere.
Or WA - I'd love to see Margaret River or Monkey Mia.

Right now, I just want to know there's a job and a house waiting for me where I can buy curtains to make it pretty - I don't first have to replace the windows and plaster the walls.
That would have been wonderful, to build something with someone working beside me, but we just weren't capable of it.

It's not the easy way out - it's going to be a right pain in the arse.
But it's probably the cleanest way out.
The school we're looking at is bigger with all sorts of music and gifted programs for The Kids, who look like they need it just to not be bored - and it's a huge sporting community.
I won't be surrounded ONLY by retirees (don't get me wrong, there'll be a hell of a lot of them but I'll be close to Port Lincoln and that seems like a cool place) and I might make some new friends - ones I don't have to TYPE TO...

How did I become so plebian?
Since I was seven years old and I read my first National Geographic (which I have an identical copy of, hidden in a box under my bed) about two journalists and their experiences in the Amazon, I have wanted to travel. There was a photo of them sheltering under a giant fern leaf in the rain and their story was more interesting than all the articles put together.

Until The Kids came along, I have moved every time I felt like it, always had a job and a new adventure to go to, never thought twice about starting over again (to be fair, sometimes to the detriment of The Man whose been looking to put down roots all his life)...it's amazing how, as soon as the kids were born I just clicked into being someone else, and I wasn't very good at it.
I always feel like I'm compromising myself by staying put - but this is what I want for my kids, and it's only a little part of my life isn't it? It's not a big part of my life, but it is a hugely important one.
I love them so much it vibrates in my skin and it doesn't matter that I haven't written my books yet, or studied for a long time, or volunteered overseas to get that experience I need to set up third-world communication networks (big plans? oh no, not me).

But I've been asking myself for a while..."When did I ever want just security and sameness?"
And why, when it was on offer, did I not know how to just grab hold of it and build on it?

These are things I will take with me and know better next time...hopefully.
I'm not much of a 'dater' though, and I can't see myself ever being swept off my feet again.
You only get one 'thunderbolt' in your lifetime I think - the danger is there's a lot of lightning when there's thunderbolts.

The odds aren't good you know, they reckon more second marriages fail than first, and more third marriages than seconds.
God knows I'd never get married again. I wasn't that sure the first time although I loved feeling married - and I still think if I'd saved the money on the wedding I was so keen on and got on that plane the week BEFORE Ansett crashed we would have had a great time.

I'm damn sure I don't want someone else in my kids' lives that I don't know - and where's the time to get to know someone when you're raising kids?

Christ - right now I don't even like the idea of getting naked in front of someone who didn't contribute to these stretch marks.
What's the use of being with someone who doesn't at least REMEMBER that your boobs used to point north before they headed south?

It's all crap you know...all this ranting and moaning.
The world's still turning and I go on...I just barrel ahead like I always do, but this time I'll be dragging the cherubs along with me.
Hobby Farm Hopefuls is about to be over.
Time for a sea change.
A fresh start...Again.
How many do you think someone gets in one lifetime?