Sick to the Guts

It makes me sick to the guts that I can't offer these kids the family they deserve.
Not that we were a healthy family before, with all our craziness and unhappiness, but that was between me and The Man and we shared our joy in the kids for a long time.
To know they're not going to see their Dad every day, and that I'm not going to grow old with their Dad and watch them be happy, one day, together, with families of their own.
It's just wrong.

We so wanted to give them that family, a real family that got through fights and hard times and still loved each other at the end.

I don't want other people in their lives, although I know The Man and I both deserve someone to love us, for ourselves...and The Kids deserve to see their parents happy.
But it's not right, and it's not enough, and it makes me ill.

I'd be happy to just be content in my own relationship - and maybe just not crazy - if I knew my kids were getting up to cuddles and kisses from both of us every day.
I know it doesn't work that way, I know it's not enough and everyone deserves their own happiness but I'm not happy about this.

No one else will ever love them the way he and I do, and it's just not right.

As I get further away from my own feelings of sadness I discover new sadness for my family.
And I'm lost - I just can't fix this.
No one can.
And it makes me despair.